Babies are due in a few days, and soon we will have to make one of the most important decisions we can make as new parents: whether to get them vaccinated, or to be totally ignorant, neglectful parents who should probably be prosecuted for putting the lives of our children (and those of others) at risk by swallowing the lies of conspiracy-theory whackos.

Don’t get me wrong; I love a good conspiracy theory! Kennedy assassinated by Sam Walton? Sweet! Aliens crashed at Area 51, but were told to leave because they were originally told they could “crash,” but were totally taking advantage of shit, and needed to “chip in for rent or leave”? Sign. Me. Up.

I have a college degree. My mom is a teacher. I like to think that I’m a rather logical person. So why am I cool with these theories? Because they are laughable poppycock that can’t be proven or dis-proven. Jimmy Hoffa was cremated and his ashes were mixed into a batch of Paul Masson brandy which was consumed by Orson Welles. PROVE I’M LYING!!!


“Tastes like gangster!”

Where I draw the line is the point wherein science and/or common fucking logic rules an outside theory complete bullshit.

A few years ago, now disgraced doctor Andrew Wakefield posited a theory: vaccines cause autism. This theory – which, again, was debunked – was spread with the help of a leading American scientist.


Pictured: Neil Degrasse-Tyson

As a strict adherent to the “work smarter, not harder” American ethos, I am suggesting you check out this article from, where scientist (anti-vaxxers read: big-pharma propagandist) Jennifer A. (Kedzie) Raff has done all the grunt work of gathering nearly every link to peer-reviewed (anti-vaxxers read: big-pharma propaganda) article out there. 

 Look, at the end of the day, I don’t care what you believe. The facts are out there, but as we know, anti-vaxxers only grow more entrenched when faced with bullshit like “scientific facts” and “empirical evidence.” Sure, I feel sorry for their kids, and truly hope that a stubborn belief in a dis-proven (and criminally fraudulent) study doesn’t mean that those kids don’t wind up with easily preventable diseases.

That said, I don’t want those kids anywhere near mine. I have two babies that will be here any minute, and the thought that they could pick up a disease before they’re old enough to get vaccinated because some other kid at the doctor’s office had ignorant parents…well, that just kills me.

If there was a kid in school who was so severely allergic to peanuts that my children couldn’t bring peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, I’d totally roll with that, and I hope other parents would too.

So if not peanut butter, why measles? 


“This is some Fascist bullshit.”


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